Surrendering My Heart Again
I have always loved to write. To process my thoughts and feelings through words and express myself through those same words that form sentences sketched from both the full and the empty places of my heart. To share them with others is the highest form of vulnerability for me because words are my soul’s way of expressing my deepest pains and heartaches.
Thanks for reading Surrendered Hearts! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
When I originally began this journey to chronicle my thoughts out loud, I had every intention to just share uplifting stories and messages about things that I’ve learned. It seemed fine, and it seemed like something that could be good. Putting my voice out into the world for others to become inspired and encouraged. Maybe even someone that people could relate to.
And then God shook the very foundation that those words stood on. The very experiences that I felt so sure to share about all of a sudden became meaningless against the backdrop of how God’s goodness and grace had been keeping me. It wasn’t even that I didn’t know God or that I wasn’t sure of who He was in my life. But it was more so how He revealed just how self-reliant, and dependent on myself I had been.
The beautiful part of this story is that God knew what was in my heart and hid me away until He could pull that works-based faith out of me which had led me to a self-improvement/ self-reliant gospel, and an unchanging disposition in life. Weary, tired, and worried constantly, and in a season where I felt I was constantly fighting for my life emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I had become so tired and weary that I had no choice but to ask God some hard questions. Why am I so sad? Why are things so hard for me? and Why doesn’t my faith look like theirs? There was a series of events that began a journey of asking questions of myself and God that made me want more of Him in a way that I don’t think I’ve experienced since I accepted Christ into my heart over 10 years earlier. Some of those events included a conversation about being lukewarm, seeing the fire and unashamed worship of others, and facing the same pain and the same mountain in my life that seemed unconquerable and realizing that He didn’t just save me from death but that He wanted to redeem me and bring me to new life too.
He didn’t stop there He began a deep dive so intimate with Him that I was sure that I probably had never experienced the real thing.
The redemptive part of this story is that God began answering my tough questions, and He didn’t stop there. He began to comfort me and show me a better way. Which made me more hungry and desperate for Him in a way that I didn’t even know was possible. He taught me how to surrender to Him all over again. I thought I was surrendered until I saw Him. I thought I had given up my ideas and my desires until He showed me my heart… Here is a new invitation to join me on a journey of surrendering my heart daily, deeply, with full expectation of what the Lord can do with my yes, with our yes.
Lord teach my to surrender my heart
My mind, my will, my emotions,
You know every area of my heart where there is pain
You know every worry, and every racing thought
I surrender, because only you can in the areas that I can’t
Thank you for surrender
-In Jesus name, Amen
