Surrendering to a belief in God
A Quick Genealogy
Like all Americans who claim on the census that they are African American I am a descendant of maybe 6 generations of slaves. My grandfather from what I’ve been told was an extremely hard-working man. He also had 10 children whom my grandmother cared for. He set his family up for success where they had generational wealth in property etc. I’ve not been told many stories of him being a Godly man but I assume he had some general faith in God because many in my family are open to God. I can’t speak too much about my mother’s history religiously, but the family I know also seems to have a general faith. My bonus mom who has had a great influence on me spiritually was a Pastor’s daughter.
I share this not for you to just have a genealogy of where I come from but mostly to testify that where I have landed in my faith and understanding of God as my Father, the redemption in the Son and the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit in my life has been completely been a work of Him pursuing his daughter whom he loves. I know and believe that He does the same for all his children as we are all created in his image.
Thanks for reading Surrendered Hearts! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Subscribe
Where the Journey Began
My journey in faith began as a small girl when our family would go to bible studies inside of a cultural center on the south side of Chicago, probably the Hyde Park area. I don’t remember much besides the snacks and that we seemed to be there all day. This was my first form of a church which was really bible study. It felt like we were there all day, which meant that God must be a significant part of our lives. But I didn’t understand any of it that was being taught and I thought that it was meant to be that way, that God wouldn’t be able to be understood until you were an adult, which in my mind gave me a free pass….
Although I didn’t understand what was being taught it was a formative experience because it taught me that knowledge of God was important. There wasn’t any worship or prayer, but the studying and teaching of God’s word were what was being done and so therefore I assumed was the most important. There is where I saw my mother, listening intently to God’s word. In fact, honoring God was something I saw her do throughout my entire life. She was my first example of what it meant to be a Godly woman.
Eventually, our family began having our bible studies led by my uncle who had studied and learned Hebrew.
He became what I like to think of as the priest of our family because he led the Bible studies and teachings and he led the prayers in Hebrew because he was the only one who could read it.
I don’t remember a lot but I remember a few key foundational things
Follow the law (10 commandments)
We (African Americans) are the original Israelites or children of Israel (Hebrews) (This is an off-sector of Christianity called Hebrew Israelite)
The white man is the devil and can't be trusted (due to slavery and some other things).
Only the Israelites are going to heaven because they are the chosen ones
Jesus isn't the messiah because the letter J doesn't exist in Hebrew. He was a great teacher but not Messiah. This also meant that the New Testament was not read because it literally testifies about Jesus.
All American holidays are pagan and we don't celebrate them (Xmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc)
Whether the members of my family actually believe these things to be true is unclear to me but in my young mind, this is what I understood to be truth based on what was taught and my perception of it. I do not plan to explain the validity of these beliefs but rather how God freed me from them and revealed to me His true nature and how He brought me into a deep revelation of who God really is and therefore who I really am.
The one who raised me
I believed in God growing up and was raised to have a fear of God that convicted me to not sin and consequently made me feel guilty for sinning but had no understanding of how “not to” sin through the power of Jesus Christ who frees us with grace and truth. Eventually, I had given up on really understanding anything religious but would attend church as invited by friends and when visiting my bonus mom’s church.
Specifically, when I visited her church I remember having these encounters where I would just cry endlessly and not know why. I attributed it to feeling bad about not being a good girl or sinning. But that was where I left it.
Although I believed in God, my god was really my mother. In my heart and mind, I was saved through her faith in God and I depended and relied on her the way that I should have relied on God. But because God was presented as a theological study I didn’t feel I truly had access to God because I couldn’t understand anything besides fear him and don’t mess up. My mother on the other had was nurturing, loving, giving, and accepting. She also protected me and provided for me in ways that I often ascribed her as an angel on earth. She literally exemplified love. When I think of her, that is the number one way that I would describe her.
You see my mother was my Dad’s biological sister. She had raised most of her younger siblings and was seen as the “mother” or big sister to her siblings, and when my dad and mom needed help she didn’t hesitate to step in and raise myself and two of my other siblings. She quite literally gave her life for us. What I didn’t realize is that God was all those things to me and that everything good that was in her flowed from Him. That it was Christ who died and took on the form of man to save us. But because of the way that she loved me, it became easier to spot God’s love for me when He revealed it to me
It wasn’t until after my mom died that I was introduced to God again but this time a different version.
Attempted Conversion
I had a friend who was worried about me due to the way I was coping and wanted me to be “saved”. She took me to some Christian convention where it was introduced to me a documentary called “Beware of the Christians” which really impacted me at the time but when the people leading the conference came to “seal the deal” they explained that all I had to do was accept Christ into my heart and I was saved. They explained this as God’s Grace through Jesus Christ and if hearing Jesus Christ wasn’t already hard enough this idea that I could be saved by doing “nothing” didn’t settle with me. It just didn’t make sense. From my vantage point, you have to do something to “earn” salvation. What I now know the important part that was missing was to repent and confess THEN to accept Christ into your heart. It is important to teach about the effects of sin and how the antidote to it is to repent. This is important because it helps sinners (which is all of us) to understand our neediness of God to keep us and save us.
Although I didn’t convert I remember that as the most pivotal point of my faith journey where I was introduced to the true “basics” of Christianity even if I didn’t have the revelation of them yet.
When I went to college, I continued living my life as I had always done but my recklessness, made things feel more “on fire” if you will. I wasn’t really looking for God but I was looking for healing from my mom’s death and a host of other events that led to some deep pain points I had no idea how to navigate.
After sitting in a dark and desperate place toward the end of my first semester, a friend of mine eventually introduced me to a church where I had my first known experience with the Holy Spirit. This began my journey of Christianity and officially declaring that I believed in God for myself. I’ll never forget praying “God I know that you are real and I believe in you but you’re going to have to help me with this Jesus part”…..
So much of my life I had essentially persecuted Christians for their faith in the “white Jesus” and the absurdity of it all in relation to what African Americans had experienced in slavery and post-slavery America. But it didn’t stop me from accessing God because my heart was broken and therefore open and ready to receive God. It may have taken 14 years to get me to the full revelation of the truth of who God was. But what is 14 years in the wake of eternity without God?
Nothing will stop God’s love from chasing after you, pursuing you. He desires that we would all know Him and His great love and the freedom to be had is found only in Him.
Join me tomorrow for part 2 of how God freed me and delivered me from distortions of the truth.
